I donot have a title for this lol and i already used "update"
anyway!!!
have 12 assignments to do today ;-; but they're easy atleast!!!!
Seán started writing a short story!!! I haven't even seen it yet, i'm so excited for when he finishes it so i can read :00000 HE JUST TOILD ME HE'S GONNA SHOW IT TO OUR MOM TOO I hope she likes it also :0 if shes mean to him,,, ill eat her
anyways, sometimes- an it's weird to think about- I just end up fixating on how like,,,,,, being a manic pixie, loud and "childish" type means people don't take you seriously. I mean, Seán does ofc, but like...sometimes I wonder if, when someone looks at my blog and art and pintrest, they just think..."airhead".
I'vehad very smart thoughts and ideas, promise!!! but when the discussion's over, I dont have them written down, and I tend to struggle to know what to type other than just...whatever's going on!!! plus I express myself very quirky :> Im lucky to have people in my life who understand and enjoy my energy and vibes, but i defenitely come off as weird to a lot of people. It plauges me a lot, but I don't want to give up being who I am!!! I'm determined to be myself till the end!!! It just means things can be hard sometimes...that's where positivity comes in though!!! just keep looking up, and you're bound to see the sun eventually, right?
I miss having a sketchbook lol. the last sketchbook we had was basically mine, Seán could draw in it too but he never did, so it's almost all me. when we got our new one, he filled up the first page and- well I don't see him draw often, so I insisted he keep it to himself so at the end I can see all his pretty drawings :000!!!! He has trouble drawing digitally like I do anyway, he has to draw on paper and then scan and trace because he cannot draw w a mouse.
I'd buy my own to keep alongside his, but we dont have much money. We'll have to go back and forth like this until eventually we have enough to buy 2 at a time!!! it's so pog though, because we have sketchbooks we can look back on together of like "wow look what you made!!!". plus I mean, when your existence is stamped out by everyone so often, it's nice to leave a little evidence of yourself behind in the end. Seán used to be super into the idea of keeping a daily diary for that reason, although he coudln't keep to it- and now he has his blog and I have mine!
Erasure of ourselves is so frustratingly common though. I mean, most people would never think to see one body and have it be more than one person hanging around in there. Even when you know someone's a system, in most cases everyone interacts with them all as if they were a singlet.
Maybe that's fine for some people, but I hate it. I just want to be seen, you know? we both do, and that's probobally part of why we're so like..bent on being open when possible, and being ourselves. it's important to us.
One time- OH MY GOD MY BLOOD BOILS EVERYTIME- **ONE TIME** WE WERE IN A SERVER with this person who TOLD SEÁN TO HIS FACE that he couldn't be married to me. like, wasn't allowed to be and had to break up w me on the spot.
WHY?
because "your source has a wife and kids."
I SWEAR TO GOD. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK.
Also it's untrue!!!! he doesn't have any kids!!! his source has a gf but they aren't married and there are no children!!!!
but,,, even if it was, we're our own people, with our own lives, and if we want to be together, then we can be together. We fell in love on our own, and we love each other, and whatever the fuck our sources are upto doesn't MATTER!!!!
It's silly but it kind of makes me want to cry. Like obviously they're wrong, and many people just...dont understand. but I wish they did!! I wish our experiences were more commonly represented!! I wish people saw us for who we are- saw everyone. I wish that the whole rainbow of plural experiences and prefrences was represented, and that discussing pronouns and names and stuff for the system, or wether you want to disclose who's fronting and how to do that, or fuck even just the basics of how introjects work or using roles vs not, I wish these things were visible to mainstream media. I wish people would listen, to anyone who's a part of something like this, and really really listen. I don't want to be written off as some weird "fucked-up" delusion. I don't want to be written off as my source but "wrong". I want to have a place here, and I think having these online spaces is my way of carving that out.
I really want to be a vtuber for this reason. I want to be able to take photos and videos and have social media where i'm myself, and I can only rlly do that through a virtual avatar. Having a vtuber means I can do original vlog and photo/video style content, and maybe even have a voice changer if I can get my hands on one. It gives me a space to share my life with other people and have community unique to myself. s important to me, but it seems far away.
I just keep trying though, alright? I'll just keep going day to day. I have a husband I love and syskids to take care of and plenty of space on my blog to write and draw. I have books, and a family out here too that still loves me evenif they don't know who I am yet, or who any of us are. I love my life, I really do!!! and so it's just enjoying what I have and taking every little step one at a time, to go forward.
This got surprisingly serious surprisingly fast, but I'm glad I was able to be honest and express myself!!! thanks for listening. :) all of u. Idk how many of you there are, but my posts- even the ones without any likes- still get veiws, so I know atleast one or two people out there care what I have to say. And I wanna thank you for that, wholehearedly. Thanks for cheering me on!!!!
I feel like an anime girl mc right now haha, maybe this playlist is getting to me.
See ya later!!! :DDDDDD :000 :D
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